Hey. So I wrote this about a month before school started (if you don't believe me look at the closing remarks) and a lot of these opinions have changed since I'm a little older and a little closer with some of you. (Jerem) And a lot of the fights are waaaaay waaaaay in the past. (Sarah) but for some reason I feel like I want to post this. I swear this isn't exactly how I feel anymore. There are still some things that stand true (Keaton), but a lot of it is old news and dumb drama. So I thought about updating.... but I didn't. Mostly because I've written and re-written this post so many times that I'm sick of re-writing. So if you're about to read this, don't. Just turn back now while you still can. Run away, because this is the worst post I've ever written and I hate it, but like all my other posts, it's apart of me and I can't sit on it forever. Actually... I could, but that's just not my stile. So without further ado. Here's a horrible post written by a me many many months ago. (please stop reading here)
Camri
Dear Cam. I've had countless conversations with you in the mirror. Some that involved me yelling at you and asking you where you were when I needed you. Some are of me asking you if you're okay and if you need me. But most are just me asking begging you to be my friend again. Usually this conversation ends with me crying, in my bathroom, realizing I'm alone and you'll never want me back as your friend. Occasionally it ends with me saying, "Well I'm glad you are happy now, sorry I wasn't cool or pretty enough." and storming away to get ready for another grumpy day at school. But then there are those few few times when I look in the mirror and see your huge green eyes and all I say is "I'm sorry about your dad." and camri, this is what I want to say to you most of all. I'm so sorry about your dad. I'm so sorry.
Ben
Ben. I've had one conversation with you in the mirror. Just one. I've had this conversation a million times, but it's always the same one. It's pretty much me declaring how much I've always liked you and handing you a book entitled "go ask alice" and saying, "Is this how you feel? because sometimes It's how I feel and I haven't even gone through most of what you have." Sometimes I'll even imagine myself kissing your cheek. Then I just walk away. If I had the courage to do this, I still wouldn't. Because even in my messed up imagination, you reject me. Even when I have the power to make you want me in my head, you don't. And I know in my heart that is how it would be in the real world too. And maybe that's why I've had your conversation so many times, because I want to change it so that you like me. But oh ben. You never will.
Sarah.
I haven't talked to the mirror you in a long time. But when we were first going through our fight I would verbally abuse imaginary you almost everyday. Then I'd cry to you and tell you everything through angry tears. Everything. I'd tell you what happened to my sister, I'd tell you what happened with my dad, I'd tell you about Lisa. But knowing only the fake you in the mirror knows what I'm talking about, this will probably just confuse you. And anyway I don't want to talk about that stuff. I want to talk about the last conversation I had with you in the mirror. This one started out as usual, me being mad and saying things like, "I'm not dramatic!" (classic, a girl with tears streaking down her face telling a mirror that she isn't dramatic... hahah) but then I steered down a weird path, instead of me asking you in an angry voice "You don't know what I've been through, Do you know about [insert ridiculous family issues I'd never actually tell anyone]??" I said. Sarah. I don't know what you've been through. But whatever it is, whoever it involves, whenever it happened, I am sorry. And then I ran away from my bathroom and I cried but instead of anger pulsing the hot tears to my cheek, it was out of pure and honest longing to say those words to you and for them to come out as pure and honest as they are.
Koda.
Your conversations hurt me the most. Because I never cry during or after them. I just stare into my reflection (seeing only your face) and say that I hate you. I hate you because you made me drift from my best friend. I hate you because you are handsome. I hate you because you promised you'd always listen and be there for me. I hate you because you made me think I was attractive to you. I hate you because you left me in the dust feeling ugly and repulsive. I hate you because you gave me self confidence and then ripped it out of my hand telling me how hideous I looked as you did it. I hate you because everything I do I still think, would Koda think I looked pretty doing this, would Koda think I was interesting saying this. Would Koda think, Would Koda think..... And then I don't even leave the bathroom. I sit in there and hold my phone. and stare at it. And then I look up and your face is gone. replaced by my tired reflection. And I realize that I don't hate you. I hate me, because of you. And then I usual ask you for my confidence back, but you're gone and I'm left with my tired face. Ask me how confident that makes me feel.
Jerem.
Jerem. Oh Jerem, Jerem, Jerem. The only conversation I've had in the mirror with you is funny and I laugh every time I think about it so much to the point I can't converse with the fake you in the mirror anymore. I don't actually know why it's funny to me... but it is. It's just about your blog. and that post that you talk about the 5 girls you've loved. And mostly the conversation consists of me guessing who the five girls are and getting it right (Saren, Megan, Layna, Sarah, and Chloe that's usually what I guess incase you were curious). I think I've only had this conversation with you because I don't know you. Not that I know any of the other people I've written about (especially not Ben hahahahaha what a hoot.) but I know how I feel about them, and I truly don't know what I feel about you. Mostly it's just the feeling of rolling my eyes at how funny you are. But sometimes it's anger because I don't feel like myself around you and I really want to. so many people have told me that they feel like themselves around you and that makes me jealous. I want to feel like myself around you Jerem. Why don't I? and sometimes I ask you that in the mirror... which I guess makes me sound like a liar because I said I haven't had any other conversations with you, but I didn't lie because you never answer me. And an unanswered question is not a conversation.
Tessa.
Usually I just ask you why you took Sarah's side. and cry. Then sometimes in my head you say "what the devil" and I hurt even worse. But lately I've just asked the fake you to forgive me because sometimes I'm positive I hurt you worse than sarah. Because while sarah and I talked on the phone trying to work things out (and occasionally fighting it out), you just sat by not knowing what was going to happen next. I should have tried to work things out with you too, but I didn't. That was really selfish of me. And for that I am so sorry. In a way I chose sides with Sarah too didn't I? Wow tessa. I'm really sorry.
Keaton Henson.
You are my idol. And usual I stare at you through the mirror and tell you that. And in my mind I hug you and kiss your cheek and ask you to sing for me. And sometimes You even say back "Maybe I'll write a song called Katie major" and I cry. Oh I really really really want to meet you.
Goose Girl.
Sorry yours is last dearest stranger, but I've been trying to think of a way to write about you in this post since technically I haven't had any conversations with you through my bathroom mirror because I don't know what you look like and the whole point of conversations through a mirror is to see others, not yourself. So instead of writing about our nonexistent conversation, I'll write about how wonderful I think you are. I really don't know who you are, which probably is so mean of me! I'm sorry. If you are a dear friend of mine, I'm sorry I didn't know you had a blog. if you want, you can tell me, but sometimes I hope you don't. I like your mystery. The second you followed me, I blog stalked you until at least 2 in the morning trying to find some hint of who you were, but then as I read each post I forgot about my search, I started focusing on your beautiful, BEAUTIFUL writing. Wow. I'm in awe at your writing skill. If you really are a stranger to me and we've never met, thank you for following me. If we have met, thank you for following me, but who told you about my blog??? ... anyway. sorry. Okay so you're a beautiful author and after that 2 am S.S. (stalking session) I wanted to write about you. I wanted the whole world to know about your blog. But then I thought if someone did that to me (which would never happen) I would be embarrassed and cry. So instead I had imaginary posts going on in my head that I have done no justice with this silly scrawl of words. I promise this all sounded so much better in my head. well just know I love you stranger or not. You are talented and lovely.
and now you all know why I look so crazy. Because when I look in the mirror, it's not to see my reflection or to do my makeup, it's so I can talk to you all being completely and entirely myself.
But since High School is starting in less than a month I want to get my real self out there. So no more bottling things up. No more conversations through the mirror. Just radical honesty. Sorry if this hurt any of you. oh no. I really hope I didn't hurt any of you.
Maybe being myself isn't the best idea.
